don't know what to do anymore

"Do I dazzle you?" Drawde Nelluc asked Legna as they together hung annual Christmas lights and nothing else.

Angel on top, bitches. Legna thought to himself.

Legna blinked twice at the glittering vampire as the sunlight streamed through. What a strange world this was where vampires could dance in the sun and sparkle like they had a thousand diamonds on their skin.

Repsaj had put him in the Christmas spirit and he was so full of joy that he thought he might burst or lose his soul again.

He could only think of one thing now. Legna hummed to himself a familiar and comforting song before bursting out with one line and one line only: "And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows."

I thought everything was going to be okay. That by the time this happened, I'd know what to do. I'd know how to breathe. I'd know how to keep moving on. The world doesn't stop. It never stops. It keeps spinning, even though she's not here.

I don't understand how this all happens. How we do this. I don't. I don't know how to be okay anymore.

Everyone asks how you are. Everyone says they're sorry and, God, I do appreciate it, but there is no okay and words have stopped meaning anything. There words for the feeling. It's just this aching gaping hole where there used to be something vital. And then moments of silence. Where I'm not even there. Where people talk to me and I don't hear them, because it's just a string of moments. A string of moments that don't mean anything because she's not here.

I think if I just stop that everything is going to pass me by. That I'll forget how she smelled or what her favorite flowers were or how she loved Love Story. That I might forget. That I might just forget.

I'm furious with her for this. And I don't even feel that anymore. Maybe it's not about being furious, but completely and utterly heartbroken that she couldn't love me more than she hated herself. It feels this worse this way. It feels so much worse this way. I wanted her to hold on for me. For me or anyone else, but just to hold on.

She'll never see me graduate or get married or have children. Or any of the other things she's supposed to be there for. There's nothing in this life that can fill that hole. Life will go on, but she won't.

I love you, mom. I love you more than anything. I won't ever be whole without you.

---

Thank you all for the kind words, kind words, phone calls, e-mails, comments, everything, right now I'm not in any shape to reply. You all are amazing people and I couldn't do this without you. The best thing you can do for me, do in honor of my mother, is write about Anorexia Awareness in your journals and pass it around. Keep it going. Whether it be a memory of someone you know, my memory or information. But keep it going. Post it in any communities that allow it. Leave a link here of any posts you make or see. There are wonderful websites out there for information and, if you can, donate to NEDA.

My mother was 52 years old. She was 52 years old and less than 50 pounds. This is more than a tragedy, it's a catastrophe.

This entry will be left public for those who want to link to it. If you want to share your experiences, everything, with me.

I love you all.

Thank you,
Heidi Robinson

I am so proud that Americans have come this far. I think there's a long way to go and certainly I have my own wishes for this election today.

But just for now, I am proud. This very moment I have felt something that I haven't felt in a really long time. I'm proud to be American. I'm proud to live in a country that had females campaigning for the presidency and vice presidency. I'm proud that an African American has the opportunity to become the next president.

I know there is a lot of hate in this world. Not everyone is ready for the changes that inevitably will happen and not everyone is accepting of people who are different than them.

For the last eight years, the United States have been trapped. Maybe more than the last eight years. I haven't felt happy to be American. It's not unpatriotic. There are things I absolutely love about this country but a lot of that has been clouded by the war, by the negativity of the news, by how politicians act, by how this country has done less and less for its people, by extremist views - by a million things.

I can tell you, from living in Canada for twelve years - eight of those twelve governed by George Bush/Dick Chaney/etc etc etc - Canadians do not look highly upon Americans. Canadians get about 90% or more American television stations. They're really aware of the government here sometimes more than their own. Those aforementioned clouding factors? Between scandals of Clinton and Bush's reaction to 9/11? The view of the American people has turned into one large stereotype. We look to our leaders to represent us and our views and the people who have led us have not been diverse.

It is disappointing to see that my views - my beliefs - are not being represented. It is horrifying to me that we have come so far just to take steps backwards in Women's Rights and Gay Rights.

The horrors that this country has been through for the last few years are things I can barely believe happened. It is still so surreal to me that when I go to New York I will never see those twin towers again. It is heartbreaking. It's utterly heartbreaking what has happened to this country.

I want to live in a place where I have rights. I want to live in a place where my children and their children will have rights.

There is no doubt if you know me, you know who I voted for in this election. Even though my views are not congruent with Republican views, I know people who's views do. Republicans have gotten a hell of a lot of flack people online and just because I don't believe that voting that way will bring what I want doesn't mean that they aren't voting because that's what's best for them. It's an election and the point is that we're ALL allowed to have our individual opinions. Thank you for voting. God, thank you so much for voting WHOEVER you vote for.

We're going out there. We're making a difference. One vote does count. The rest of the world is waiting for us.

Today, no matter what the outcome, I am going to be proud.

Thank you.

Previously on A Manpire and His Lover:
Part One
Part Two


Now:

Rednax quivered in utter and total terror, the trepidation and dread wearing a terrible look on his beautiful scruffy face. His manpire! His lover! What had happened but what he should have expected from the days of even less brooding but more product and eyeliner.

A terrifying smile crossed his lover's face. A genuine real truly evil smile crossing Legna's face. Only now he knew that it was no longer Legna. It was Sulegna, Legna's evil inner demon who only did evil things. Rednax could only imagine all the evil things this evil being would do to him in retribution to all the sweet sweet love that they shared.

"Oh, Rednax," Sulegna started, "I'm trying to debate what to do first to you. You know I can't just go about killing everyone without a plan. I want to make you hurt. I want to make you suffer for these- THESE! FEELINGS!"

Rednax gasped loud, and a bit girlishly. His face drained of all blood. Where had his lover gone. How had this happened? Why him? Oh god, why him?

"I was thinking castration, but it will have to wait," said a sullen but serious Sulegna. "Someone needs to teach that patsy Drawde Nelluc a lesson!"

THE END.

STAY TUNED TO SEE IF REDNAX WILL KEEP HIS BALLS.

LULZ INTERNETZ.

Hi. It's Heidi (thiswholeflight) from LJ. Just here to keep up with people. Since I love you guys.

<3 Muah.